Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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