i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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