So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
