apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Lo siento on account of my penis...
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
