i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
