Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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