So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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