Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
