If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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