Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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