Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
