First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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