I hate all girls vehemently.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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