I murdered the dance floor call the cops
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
