nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
