Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
farters have to be the big spoon...
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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