Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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