I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
