Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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