girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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