So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
