my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
