More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
