Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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