I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
