So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
