i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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