people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
