Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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