I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
