You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
