If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
