Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
