I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
