getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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