I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
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