i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
how drunk are you?
Several
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
