Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
