im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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