I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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