I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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