I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
