Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
