Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
