I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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