shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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