You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
