I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
