i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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