oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
