i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
