All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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